A Plan of Inaction: A Modest Proposal for the Future of Canada in a Climate Emergency

by Nigel Codswallop, Conservative candidate for the riding of Ottawa-Vanier (but really Rockcliffe)

Shout-out to The Very Reverend Jonathan Swift, former Dean of St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin, Ireland. I call him J-Swizzle.

In the early half of the twenty-first century, Syria faced a massive drought. It eviscerated farms by decimating crops and killing off livestock. It made water scarce and food even more expensive than it already was. It forced rural citizens to crowd into a metropolis teeming with a large number of urban-dwelling Syrians and Iraqi refugees and any crowd forced together under such claustrophobic conditions is a powder keg waiting to ignite. Lo and behold, this civil unrest erupted into civil war, killing and displacing millions of innocent people.

In 2004, a major earthquake caused a violent tsunami that devastated Indonesia, India, Sri Lanka, and Thailand. Homes were destroyed, lives were lost, and families were literally torn apart. This disaster did not result in a refugee crisis similar to the one presently faced by the global community. However, we are looking at a future in which more mass exoduses from developing countries are undoubtedly on the horizon.

I live in Canada, a country that has accepted more migrants and refugees than any other Western nation on the planet. I have observed how immigration waves have made my home more diverse. I have also observed how this has occurred as a direct result of Canada’s open and inclusive immigration policy under the Right Honourable Justin Trudeau. From these considerations I have ascertained what needs to be done to ensure Canada’s economic prosperity through this climate emergency.

Throughout the years he has served our country as Prime Minister, Mr. Trudeau has prided himself on his acceptance of newcomers from all across the globe. The Canada he has projected to the world is friendly and warm, a safe haven for all who wish to build a new life for themselves. This may seem to be a noble humanitarian effort but in fact there is a calculated shrewdness behind the 2015 airport selfies. Trudeau wishes to ensure that Canada remains a multi-ethnic mosaic manned by a morass of different cultures and creeds as opposed to the white-bread wheat kings of the past.

There is no doubt that Canada has served to profit off of the destruction and despair plaguing not only Syria but several Middle Eastern nations. How many shawarma restaurants have opened up in the city of Ottawa alone? Local economies are thriving due to the innovations brought on by the diligent toil of immigrants and refugees — this is exactly why Mr. Trudeau should continue building pipelines on Canadian soil. He should continue to enable this great nation’s reliance on fossil fuels and refrain from imposing environmental regulations on large corporations.

If he changes course on any of these fronts, from where will we continue to poach our talent? From where will we continue to find people who will work for low wages if it means they have a roof over their head in a peaceful country? From where will Canada continue to receive its fuel to maintain its reputation as one of the richest, most successful countries in the world?

It is imperative that Canada continue to display more concern over its image than its actions on the global stage — or lack thereof. Marketing itself as a sanctuary will be an essential step in attracting fresh blood. The Liberals must do everything they can to peddle the classic palatable images of watered-down Canadiana to the world: doughnuts, hockey, maple syrup! Canada is a winter wonderland where your kids can bury the trauma of exile in the magical fresh-fallen snow (which incidentally also muffles the sound of white politicians regularly stomping on the bones of Indigenous dead).

While they engage in this self-promotion campaign the energy sector will continue to lay waste to the atmosphere of its own accord. The government must continue signing international agreements and doing little to honour them — the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change of1992, the Kyoto Protocol of 2002, and the Paris Agreement of 2016 all come to mind. Developing nations will continue to suffer the worst from the resulting natural disasters and their citizens will have no choice but to hurl themselves into our benevolent arms.

The benefits from this influx of outsiders will be manifold. In the first place they will be so grateful for shelter and safety that they will take any job they can find. Employers need not bother about providing them with health or dental benefits or even paying them regularly. They have already been inculcated with an insidious falsehood: that the income support received under the Resettlement Assistance Program is enough to provide refugees with adequate long-term sustenance for all their basic needs. They also believe that this meagre support lasts for an indefinite period of time when in fact it lasts only for the duration of a year or until the foreigner in question finds suitable employment. Right-wing tabloids are essential for the spread of such misinformation. Their services may be relied upon to ensure that hard-working business owners can retain the maximum of their net profits by pinching as many pennies as they can.

The second benefit comes in the form of restoring a dying population. Most millennials raised in Canada do not wish to have children. The reasons cited for such abstinence from breeding include a lack of financial stability and a lingering sense of hopelessness for the future. Strangers from the East are not possessed with such a defeatist worldview — they believe in having big families with four, five, or even six children at the most. If they settle on our shores the decline of our birth rate will come to a sharp halt, and Canada will be overrun with industrious black and brown children who will be fed the honeyed lie of the Bootstrap Myth. If we wish them to grow up to become skilled workers that can be exploited for their labour, we must continue to pull the wool over their eyes well into adulthood.

Of course, the sudden inundation of migrants does not come without certain risks. Among the majority are meek menial minions, there may be a few undesirables who will try to enter into Canada and cause no end of mischief. Our penitentiaries simply cannot accommodate more prisoners as we have crammed them full of Indigenous people. According to Statistics Canada they made up 26% of new arrivals into the system in 2015–2016. So: what to do with the few “bad apples” who engage in criminal behavior after settling in Canada?

I have been informed by an Irishman of considerable wit and honesty that the most effective way to employ people who would otherwise be burdens on the state is to feed them to the public. Upon violating the law in the country where they have chosen to reside, newly arrived criminals should be swiftly executed. They should then have their bodies cleaned, gutted, and cooked. Their remains should then be served at restaurants catering to the melanin-deficient among us who enjoy partaking in what we call “ethnic food”.

The packing and delivery of dark meat to said food establishments would follow a similar procedure to the conveyance of animal carcasses. The cadaver of a convict could be served in the manner of a dish from their former homeland — for example, a young Birbal from Bangladesh could be used to make a delectable biryani. Fatima could be served with fattoush and Samir could be made into a succulent shish-taouk. Vegan restaurants could offer the simulated taste of dark meat at a higher expense, though I am sure many customers will prefer to enjoy the real thing at a much cheaper price.

It need not only be convicts and ne’er-do-wells whose bodies should be prepared for the sustenance of the national populace. Enterprising young parents settling into their new lives would no longer need to worry about making ends meet by working in factories or driving cabs. They could simply slice open the throats of their own children and sell their meat for a profit! Canadians have always been encouraged to develop their own entrepreneurial spirit and being a butcher is a perfectly honest occupation for any good citizen to practice.

Had I known that my own son would grow up to be a “social-media-influencer-cum-DJ”, I would have offered him up for consumption long ago. But alas, I fear his pasty complexion would have resulted in a bland flavorless mush-meat not worth the eating. The only solution for black and brown immigrants and refugees is to do what they ultimately do best: yet another job that none of us old-stock Canadians would ever deign to take on ourselves.

Where would we be without them?

Sri Lankan-Canadian playwright and satirist.